Today I'm hoping for a better day. My health and well being is fine. But my dear one has been struggling to breathe for two weeks. The meds don't do enough to help her ... she continues to smoke, without regard to the consequences. But of course, she has been doing this for 60 years ... smoking and enjoying it. However, I don't believe that the enjoyment is the same as when she was 20. It is heart-aching to watch.

Caregivers don't really realize what they're getting into at the start of an illness. They think, "I can do this." And they can. But after years of it, and the needs increasing, they begin to have break downs. The anger - at the illness - comes out. It's horrifying to those of us who are used to caring for others, loving others, being there for others. When it's all we do outside of caring for ourselves, it starts to get to us. It's frightening. The side of us that is short tempered, angry, frustrated, and all that is ugly starts to show itself.

We cannot be proud of it. We need to explain it, to the one we care for and to ourselves. We are forming a new personality that we don't like. We seek God's intervention. We ask for patience, understanding and compassion. We thank God for being able, for being constant and for his forgiveness.

I hope that 2010 holds good things for my friend . . . that she can enjoy some things that life offers. I pray for God's goodness and mercy for us all.