My beloved died July 5. I've gone through many days of pain and anguish. Loss of a loved one you've spent a lifetime with is harder than anyone can imagine, especially if the love was wonderful, and pure, and sweet and all things good. The adjustments that I've had to make, and to help the dog who loved her more than anything, have been very difficult. To continue when you really don't want to ... to talk to people when you really don't want to, and to interact with life - lawns needed mowing, weeds pulled, dishes washed, clothes washed, going to the store for staples, just being ... is harder than hard.

Since it's been about four months, and I've done what I could and felt completely empty at times, I'm coming around. Now all the folks who've been helping with her have gone back to their normal lives. I'm very alone and it's hard to ask for help, but I'm asking, because of the extraordinary loneliness I've been feeling.

Now its time to get a job or volunteer - something that takes a few hours a day/week without a HUGE commitment. To mingle with new people and celebrate life. It's such a fragile thing.

May God watch over me and guide me in the right direction. God bless us all.

Two days ago, dear one was accepted by hospice. She has been in such horrendous pain from her deteriorating spine, and of course her COPD makes "everything" hard. She has an extended morphine pill which helps with the pain over 12 hours and then other meds that help her have a better life.

Hospice came with a social worker and nurse. They delivered the meds, the wheelchair, the oxygen, the walker and all the things she will need as her conditions worsen. I am so sad. Our life together has taken a quick turn for the worse, and it impacts all areas...she has a hard time breathing so she does not want to talk. This lessened communication is heartbreaking, but it is what it is. I must find ways to deal with it, and hospice people have all assured me that this is for me as well as her. So I will probably, at some point, want to speak to the social worker or chaplain.

But likeitistoday, I am readying our little Schnauzer for a toe amputation tomorrow and it is supposed to rain. It's soooo very cold that I'm not looking forward to worrying about her on top of this latest health event for dear one. But that's what I have to deal with.

Life can be very hard.

Ahhh, thinking is a good thing. Worrying and creating more worry by thinking is not. I have to come to the conclusion that life is the way it is. You cannot change a lot of what is going on around and to you. I have changed things in the past - but they were changeable. Location. Jobs. Loves. Friends. They can all be changed but illness cannot. You need to try to get better, but if you're feeling so sick that you cannot manage to do what is necessary to be healed, then you are caught in that I would, but I can't, so I won't, therefore I won't be able to feel better. People ... take care of yourselves. Quit smoking, exercise, eat light and right. Life is short. Don't make it shorter.

May 2010

Sunday, Thank goodness there is church and singing and friendship and conversation. Then the added bonus of hamburgers and hot dogs after service. A time to sit with other people and just be. Life for a caregiver can become insular and lonely. When you're an outgoing person and used to having lots of people around you and sharing wonderful conversations. . . it's very difficult to just be and do. You need to get out in the world to become renewed again.

I will be thinking about this as the week begins anew. I will write more as I met another caregiver at church today and I think there are way more of us than I realize.

Today I'm hoping for a better day. My health and well being is fine. But my dear one has been struggling to breathe for two weeks. The meds don't do enough to help her ... she continues to smoke, without regard to the consequences. But of course, she has been doing this for 60 years ... smoking and enjoying it. However, I don't believe that the enjoyment is the same as when she was 20. It is heart-aching to watch.

Caregivers don't really realize what they're getting into at the start of an illness. They think, "I can do this." And they can. But after years of it, and the needs increasing, they begin to have break downs. The anger - at the illness - comes out. It's horrifying to those of us who are used to caring for others, loving others, being there for others. When it's all we do outside of caring for ourselves, it starts to get to us. It's frightening. The side of us that is short tempered, angry, frustrated, and all that is ugly starts to show itself.

We cannot be proud of it. We need to explain it, to the one we care for and to ourselves. We are forming a new personality that we don't like. We seek God's intervention. We ask for patience, understanding and compassion. We thank God for being able, for being constant and for his forgiveness.

I hope that 2010 holds good things for my friend . . . that she can enjoy some things that life offers. I pray for God's goodness and mercy for us all.

I cannot believe that it's 2009 - yes, everyone thinks the same thing, I realize that. But in 1964 I connected to my wonderful one ... 45 years in July! I believe that some people are meant to be together ... me and WO were meant to be together and we have stayed the course even when the outside worlds we live in got tough ... we never blamed each other, we never took it out on the other. Yes, we are human and we were touchy and sometimes had no patience ... but knowing each other so well, we let the other get to a different place before we "discussed" anything. It has worked.

Putting the other before yourself is hard sometimes ... especially as a caregiver. But if you truly care for that person, it's what you do. It's not heroic, it's not "so nice" ... it just is what it is. And what is isn't always wonderful ... so you need to grow up, deal with it. And you do that in stages like grief ... it takes a while. So you just continue doing what has to be done and hoping and praying all the while.

How did two years go by so fast? I was hoping for better conditions, but my dear friend's problems continue to compound. Radiation for breast cancer lead to tears in her rotor cuffs (from being pulled up by the arms because of a bad back) ... this has led to a worsening back and a ripped clear through rotor cuff. Therefore the pain is compounded as is the inability to move which has led to not wanting to eat, smoking more which has created lung problems to the degree that it's more difficult to do anything.

I say to those of you who smoke. Stop. It is possible. I did it when I moved into my second pack a day ... September 12, 1968. A day of infamy. A day I today rejoice in. I am able to walk, talk, think, and do ... all without struggling to breathe. If you can breathe you can live ...

I'm glad to be back and will continue this blog until I tire of it.